Monday, October 19, 2009

Are there acorns in that bucket?

No. I told this idiot that there are no acorns in the bucket. So what does this fuckface do? You guessed it, he goes in anyway. Now look at you! What happens when that freezes? It's almost winter! Yes I'm pissed. Why don't you just listen. You're such an asshole.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Can squirrels hang?

I have never, EVER seen a motherfucker put it away like Bucky over here. 8 shots of Jager, 4 Car Bombs, 4 Mind erasers...motherfucker's like a black hole of booze or some shit! I watched him do shots of Gordon's out of the ass crack of a chipmunk! He don't give a FUUUUUUUCK! You my boy, Bucky...I fuckin love you bro! HEADBUTT! AGH! YEAH!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ask a dead...PIG?!

Oh sweet, succulent swine flu. How I love thee! I asked Smiley over here if I should be worried about swine flu. "I'm not", he replied. This surprised me because he looks a little feverish in this picture. Oh well, he knows best I suppose. Plus, look at that smile!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Do squirrels celebrate President's day?

Fuck yeah they do! Just ask my little friend Abe Lincoln over here. Uh oh. Looks like John Wilkes Booth got here before we did. That's OK fella, you're a part of history now...the history of DEAD FUCKING SQUIRRELS YOU RODENT FUCK NUT!!! STOP RUNNING AROUND MY ATTIC!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Which way is North?

This helpful little fella was just what me and the Mrs. needed on our little day trip of antiquing in New Hope, PA.
I wanted some vintage frames... she wanted used books...what's a couple to do?! We were raring up for a thin-lipped, passive aggressive, white couple fight when Bucky here helped us end our fight by pointing us in the direction of his favorite little antiquery: The Oak Hole.
Thanks little friend! It's getting hot out here, maybe it's time you run along!
(special thanks to the crone bone on this one)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Can stepping on a crack actually break your back?

The age old question that has haunted people with obessive compulsive disorder for years.
My furry little mate has proven that, yes, stepping on a crack CAN cause one to break their back.
If you look closely you can actually see his back; and a couple of organs. Unfortunately it's a little late for thank you's.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why do I do what I do?

People ask me, "Why all the tomfoolery with deceased tree rodents?" Good question. I think this photo of my great great grandfather's tombstone may answer some questions. He asked the immortal question inscribed on the tombstone just days before he died from Squirrel Fever in the 1920's. To this day, rumors are passed around my family speculating what my great great grandad was doing with the squirrel that gave him the terminal disease. If he was anything like his adoring great great grandson, my guess is that he was having sex with it. I hope this paints an accurate, if not beautiful, picture in your head concerning my passion for tree varmints.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Do you have Frangelico?

Are you fucking serious, Nutty? How long have you been coming in here? Like 3 years now?! Do I look like the kind of squirrel who would serve that shit? Get the fuck out!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Question: Is waterboarding safe for squirrels?

The answer: No. Especially when there is no board.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Which way to the oak tree?

I asked this little guy how to get to the nearest oak tree...nothing but silence from this cool customer.  You will crack soon my friend.  Oh, have you met my friends Honey Bunches and Oats?! They don't take kindly to insolence.  

Friday, March 27, 2009

Abandon hope, all ye who love squirrels!

Have you ever wanted to ask someone a question without fear of being ridiculed? Ask a dead squirrel! A place where even the dumbest question is welcome. More to come!